Man Knows Best

This is a little point I’ve been making in conversation over the years. It pops up every now and again, and today was just such a day. While doing research for my article on cougars, I came across repeated references to a book known simply as ‘Rules’. Upon further inspection, I discovered that Rules is a book for women, by women, on life, love and dating – basically, how to nab, seduce, and keep a man. It was at this juncture that I remembered being at a party (please don’t judge me for this) where a girl would occasionally, but consistently, read out a section from this very book, sometimes with incredulity, sometimes with murmured tones of agreement. I remember listening occasionally to these thrown-out comments, and disagreeing with most of them. I like to think that growing up surrounded by four women (three sisters and a Mother) has given me an invaluable – and terrifying – insight into the mentality of women. I am by no means professing to understand women, but I will perhaps arrogantly claim to be a more ‘in-touch’ man than some.

That being said, I can speak for the mentality of many men with regards to this article. Women’s magazines are inundated (or were, before many of them fell to their demise during this latest economic melt-down) with articles about how to be sexy, how to be ‘alluring, appealing’. Every single week/month, or however often they come out, they spout similar articles on their cover. I’m not attacking the narrow-mindedness of women’s magazines alone. Have you ever picked up a copy of Mens Health or Men’s Fitness? Or any of the ‘lad mags’ that perpetuate the news stands? They all go for the same things too.

But (and I’m getting to my point), I remember a while back, I was on a very long journey down the east coast of Australia. I had exhausted every form of reading material, including studying the instructions on the emergency fire extinguisher on the bus. So I turned to one of the women I was traveling with, and borrowed one of her magazines. I’m going to venture that it was Cosmo. I can’t be sure, but that is the name that sticks in my mind. Anyway, one of the cover articles was entitled ‘100 best ways to get him into bed’ or ‘100 ways to turn him on’ or ‘100 ways to get him wanting you’… Whatever it was, there were 100 things, and they involved sex, and men.

I read through it, thinking this ought to be interesting… And then I came to the last one, the best advice, the number 1 way to turn a guy on according to this magazine was... ‘say the three magic words’.

Here I stop.

Three magic words that will guarantee to turn a man on… the mind boggles.

I love threesomes?

Best…sex…ever?

F*** me now?

At this juncture, I can hear all you women going ‘psh, my guy isn’t like that. He’s more mature, more sensitive, not quite so crude’. I bet he is. I bet your man is the most sincere, loving, thoughtful, romantic man in the world. I also know that those three word phrases will work. Not only will they work, they will work so much better than Cosmo’s answer. According to them, the number one, best sure-fire way to turn a guy on is to say:

I love you.

Wrong. Don’t argue with me, don’t even try and convince me of the power of emotion over the stimulation of our egos and perverted senses. That is just flat-out not the best way to turn a guy on.

Which is why I believe, and I know I’m right, that if you want answers to the questions all these girls magazines put out there, there’s only one way to do it.

Ask a man.

If I thought I was a legend with women, that I could make them swoon and sweat, fawn over me and fight for me, I would write a book. And with all the knowledge in the world, I would never know how to pick up a woman better than a woman knows herself.

You know I’m right.