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Boozing 101: Bar Crawl Survival Guide
10 Steps to Ensuring You Live to See Another

 

This is for the Bar Crawl noobs. To all the Bar Crawl veterans: this may not apply—except to invoke some hazy, debaucherous nostalgia.

The essentials to surviving any good Bar Crawl begins with pacing. Scoff if you’d like, but I’ve seen many a self-proclaimed “drinking dynamo” ossified beyond recognition due the flouting of that one little word. It all begins and ends with moderation—not only for safety purposes—but also to ensure the quality of one’s experience.  Keeping that golden rule in mind, I present you with the 10 essentials to enduring (and conquering) your first Bar Crawl.

 

 

10) Early Ticketing

Survival encompasses many facets; one of particular importance in the modern era is monetary. Save yourself some coin and purchase your tickets (because sign-up is usually required) in advance.  Five minutes can amount to a $10-$15 differential in price—quite the fortune on a day when drinks range between 1-4 dollars.

9) No Pre-Gaming

Whether commuting in, or simply walking out your door: avoid the allure of imbibing prior to the crawls’ designated start time. This harkens back to the notion of pacing; and aides in ensuring your dignity remains throughout the entire 8-10 hour endeavor.  

8) Fantasy Draft

 Assemble your crew carefully. Nothing ruins a daylong spree of decadence quicker than an angry, combative, and sloppy drunk. This requires some recon on your parts, so regardless of these essential tips—if your dear pal is a devilish fiend when on the sauce, proceed at your own risks.

7) Itinerary

The nature of most Bar Crawls involves a staggered schedule of drink specials. I.E., there are distinct windows of opportunity to utilize certain deals at a given time and location. While not a definitive trait of all crawls, a brief overview of the assembled fare can go a long way in ensuring maximum joviality. Conjure up a game plan and enjoy!

6) Proper Attire

Aside from the typical emerald garb, be sure to dress accordingly. Nothing ruins the party quicker than icy windburn on those precious mitts. A Bar Crawl is a nomadic drinking endeavor, transportation—typically of the pedestrian variety—is to be expected. Be smart, bundle up.

5) Replenishment

Any marathoner knows that the proper fuel is essential to achieving max results—this is no different. Respecting the length of this undertaking, proper nutrition should be observed. A hearty diet throughout the day goes a long way to ensuring: a) you are not hungry, and b) you have something to soak up the sloshing cauldron of alcohol within your system.

4) Grab Bag

No crawl is complete without a fair share of souvenirs. While the photograph is typically proof, a true conquest of the crawl is incomplete without some hardware to take home. Various venues will generously hand out a medley of St. Patty’s trinkets: shirts, shot-glass necklaces, towels, and pins. Stay focused, and be sure to root out any Jameson or Guinness vendors that are sure to be the Master of Ceremonies.

3) The Old Adage

While typically a given during any event involving alcohol, the one sovereign truth remains: “Liquor before beer, in the clear," “Beer before liquor, never sicker." Whimsical it may seem, but this old scrap of doggerel proves eerily true in heightened occasions of inebriation. The safe play, of course, is to pick your poison and stick to it.

2) Stealth

On a day notorious for public intoxication, caution is still advised. With the Fuzz out in full force attempting to reign in the raving masses, hitting the hooch in broad daylight is ill advised. If peril tickles your whistle—and brown-bagging just won’t suffice—than cloak and dagger tactics are in order—best of luck.

1) Commitment

Crawls are not for the faint of heart. There a plenty of avenues for the casual interloper: actually attending the parade, adhering to responsibility (work, school), or even abstaining from the event all together. Weathering the herculean gauntlet of a Bar Crawl requires desire, motivation, perseverance, and respectable alcohol tolerance. Alas, at Day’s end, there is nothing to it but to do it. See you out there!