R. Kelly - Black Panties Review
Album out December 10

R.Kelly’s sexually charged Black Panties is pretty much the dream soundtrack for any porn film. R. Kelly likes to think he’ll contribute to next year’s population with his baby-making, R&B songs, but where this album lacks in romance, it over compensates in raunch. 

The 13 track album, featuring collaborations with Kelly Rowland, Ludacris, Jeezy, and  2 Chainz, has a few standout tracks, that may or may not be because of the absolute ridiculous lyrics about vaginas, cookies, and making funny faces in a mirror because it's fun. The songs could be instant classics depending on your level of prudeness. 

One of Kelly’s best tracks is “Genius,” a clever come-on that is one of the less creepy songs, and actually has an appealing melody. Additionally, over the heavy R&B drum dominant track, R.Kelly's smooth, velvety voice soars. Which makes sense since, as we learn from listening, R.Kelly is a college grad and the head of his class in sex, so there’s that.

“Throw This Money On You” is about a man who is so moved by a woman’s body, he just has to throw money on her. There’s a cool echo beat as the underlining base line, which gives the song a somewhat strip club vibe, but it doesn’t matter because Kelly just want to make it rain on some chicks body. 

R.Kelly tells his haters to shut up, on the appropriately titled “Shut Up” because he’s R.Kelly and he doesn’t like what people have to say about his past. He’s telling everyone to keep quiet and mind their business over a slow, synth bass line and he’s singing/talking through autotune. The song is very dramatic and R.Kelly sounds whiny about his hardships--- good thing he’s so good at sex.

Other tracks that are as much offensive as they are R&B jams for our generation are “Marry That P***y,” which is obviously about marrying the best woman genitalia ever, “Legs Shakin’” (tales of oral sex, obviously), and “Every Position” because there’s apparently more than 4 positions for sex according to R. Kelly. 

Sonically, the album is filled with your typical great R&B, and even some hip-hop, beats but it’s vulger and blush-worthy lyrics overwhelm any possible pleasurable listening experience. 

Black Panties does nothing to humanize R.Kelly and for those of us who remember his non-musical past and troubles, presenting these songs do nothing to change that.